(is there no other way)

for her      

and here i sit, sat fumbling, thinking

wondering among my thoughts, blinking

wherever will i be

when the time i know shall pass

my youngster so far and gone.

alone i’ll be

          so forgotten

                   so mis-placed

distance   growing evermore

time passing aging maturing

ceaselessly i implore

my wishes ignored unspoken

driving me mad all the while

separation deviation

untouched unable unresponsive.

kept unnurtured by her touch

turning twisting time is wasting

draining life each day

not for me alone is my sorrow

but for her

unknowingly breaking

          down without me

battered withered dwarfed

          and orphaned

how do i let go on?

how one branch does not break

under increasing strain

i never want to know.

for pain has no reward,

please be kind, rewind

(is there no other way)

Notes:
undelivered but written to Dawn, my ex, at a time when i allowed my daughter to spend the summer away from me; to be with her mom in North Carolina, away from all she knows.  I was so nervous I’d never get Haley back.  Dawn had agreed to let me keep her for the rest of the school year, from to about March to July 9th, and I had promissed that Dawn’s graciousness would be met with my equal trusting attitude likewise during the summer.  And then she’d return to me for the next school year here in California.

But at the end of the summer, Dawn was having second thoughts, it broke my soul and i wrote this poem.

TODAY my daughter was returned to me!!  It’s August 18th and my Haley can spend the full school year here.  I can sleep easy now.  For so long I was hoping for this day.  And my trust in my ex and my good fortune have been rewarded. 


I just wish this fear of losing my baby again could be erased.